We streamed in the giant doors after the lines had all led in. Up to the security check where the officer smiled, looked in my bag and with a giggle struggled with the best way to pat me down with a baby strapped to my chest. “This a first?”, I asked her. She smiled yes and said, “A lovely, first”
We surveyed our ticket stubs, quickly sat in our seats to admire our vantage point and then rejoined the droves of people mulling about gathering drinks and snacks and merch before the music began. We met up with some friends from out of town. Huddled in the hallway over a beer. The guys caught up, the girlfriends and I, strangers, just people watched and baby talked.
Music is important to us. Jeremy is an out of practice musician and avid music lover. And while my musical ability starts and stops with my inability to whistle a tune, music itself is something that has always been ingrained in me. In our pre-baby days it was not unheard of for us to go to several shows a month, in busy touring seasons 2-3 shows a week could be the norm. While I was pregnant we went to concerts and festivals galore, often with Xavier along. And while I haven’t been able to enjoy live music for quite some time with Nova in the hospital or on lock down at home, Jeremy has slowly rejoined the fold and it’s something that I have strongly longed for.
And so we were there for Nova’s first show, Sigur Ros and I marveled at the variety of the crowd. People of all walks of life, young and very old. Families, lots of them. Which was comforting. I felt the stares but didn’t mind them. My choice in parenting styles, public breastfeeding and baby wearing, has me used to wayward looks by now. I found it interesting to decipher the glances though. Some people happily gasped, pointed and smiled. Some slyly whispered and judged.
We stood in our huddle chatting as Nova slept, then woke to nurse. Latched on in the sling and slept again. We dispersed and found our respective seats as the opening band began. As I scrambled to secure Nova’s headphones before the music became a roar I scratched and squished her head a little. She screamed. I shushed her. No sooner were we settling in then do we hear shouted from two rows behind us over many still empty seats, “UGH. A BABY?!?!? THEY HAVE A BABY. IT BETTER NOT CRY THE WHOLE SHOW. WHY NOT, I DON’T KNOW, LEAVE THE BABY AT HOME” I immediately entered Mama bear mode and shouted back a sentence or two, words that in hindsight could have been chosen more carefully, more cooly, but I’m not sorry for what I said.
This woman was youngish, 20′s early 30′s. Oddly enough she was with a woman much older who appeared to be her own mother. I’m assuming that she most definitely did not have children of her own or spent much time with anyone who did, so I’m willing to forgive her ignorance. However, her perspective and her boldness in sharing it is something that I encounter more often than I’d like to admit and something I feel is a benchmark for the backwardness of American culture. On one hand, I understand her outrage. Simply stated she was there to enjoy a show, could care less about anyone else and did not want her time to be interrupted by such a vile creature as a ::gasp:: baby. As a paying ticket holder, I agree that she should be afforded that right. That said, we also have every right to be there with our child. It was an all ages show, we’d broken no rules by being there with her in tow. The assumption that we would let our baby cry and disrupt the show is one that is just silly to me. Firstly, it was loud, if she had cried it is highly unlikely she would have been heard over the music and most importantly if my baby is crying it means that something is wrong, that she NEEDS something and the last thing I’m going to do is sit there with her and just LET her cry.
I was riled up and Nova was uncomfortable so we stepped out of the pavilion to the mezzanine to get her settled and use the restroom. For a variety of reasons we never returned to our seats. I much rather enjoyed the freedom of movement and the vantage point of the halls. We could see and hear beautifully, we weren’t smothered. It was lovely. We truly enjoyed ourselves and while I don’t think Nova will remember it she seemed to enjoy herself to and I will enjoy sharing the memory with her.
Despite the beauty of the experience, in the days since I just can’t shake that itch under my skin. The frustration at how our culture is molded, how childless people are the most vocal at what children should do and the assumption that because you have a child you should spend eternity (or the next 18 years) doing nothing but things invented for children. It goes against my very nature to live that way. Yet, we are careless parents if we enjoy such things with our children?
A concerned “fan” posted the following on Nova’s page in response to her photo at the show:
What about the smoke, the germs & the overstimulation? Preemie lungs are still very vulnerable for at least the first 2 years after they come home from the hospital (speaking as the mom of a 25 weeker, now 2 years old). A lot of people on here may thing it’s cute, but don’t realize how easily a preemie could end up back in the hospital.
It provoked so many thoughts and so I responded with this:
Before passing judgment you should consider another person’s life and parenting philosophies, not just your own, as well as Nova’s health. The people who think it’s cute know our story from the beginning and know that as parents we would not consider doing anything to put your our sweet child at risk. We are amazingly dedicated and loving parents who put our children before us with every decision.That said, I will happily explain a few things because you did take the time and energy to judge and I think it’s important lest anyone else be in the same boat. First, There was no smoke at the venue (you can not smoke in doors or within 15 feet of an entrance in our city) and Nova slept most of the time so she definitely wasn’t over stimulated. We arrived late and left early because we had Nova’s interests in mind above our own. We stood and paced in the mezanine rather than the floor or our seats so we wouldn’t have people on top of us.She is in great health, she has preemie lungs yes but she does not have chronic lung disease, she is worn in a sling and constantly receiving immune boosting protection and antibodies against the air and germs we are breathing from my breast milk.We spent 100 days in the hospital and the next 2 months on lock down at home but there comes a point where you have to live your life again. With precaution of course but I for one do not wish my family to live in fear. It is also part of our parenting philosophy that our kids be part of the world from an early age. That they participate in the richness that life offers on all levels (not just kid things). I think our amazingly articulate and well cultured 7 yo is proof this works and creates wonderful humans.Despite every precaution we have taken, at some point Nova will get sick, it’s inevitable but she will heal. We will take precautions but we will not live in fear. Her vast team of doctors have given us the green light to live our lives and we will. She will join us at shows, museums and restaurants. She will travel with us. She will get to know our world well in her first two years much better than the walls of our home. As we believe she should.I will also say that we’ve been down this road before. Big brother Xavier was a 28 weeker. A preemie WITH CLD who was raised the same way, with the same experiences his sister will be. A preemie who did not so much as catch a cold until after his 3rd birthday when we stopped breastfeeding. He has never had an ear infection, never been re-hospitalized.If you choose to live in fear and limit your life because of what you’ve been through as a parent that is your right and we will respect you. But please do not pass judgment on us or others because our decisions are different. They are not careless nor are we. Just different.
